These words don’t count.

Nano frenzy iz here.

Actually, I’m having a *lot* of fun – I just nudged past the 20k mark which, considering my goal for the week was 11,700, is not too shabby at all. What’s possibly more important is that I’m really enjoying writing this novel. Considering I’m a practitioner of what is variously known as the crappy first draft, or the ‘exploratory draft’ (version zero), this is looking surprisingly strong, when I stack it up against previous initial drafts.

 

There’s a few things I’m doing differently this year. First off, I’m using Holly Lisle’s Boot Camp for writers ‘Think Sideways’ course – immensely practical and designed to be used to write a novel alongside, so it works perfectly. What’s key is that it’s given me a better understanding of both plot dynamics and how to better use conflict to keep the story wheels spinning. That means the outline I’m working from is stronger than previous outlines, to start with.

I think the second element, also connected to Holly’s lessons, is that although I’ve done less worldbuilding and character development in terms of volume, what I do have is relevant, so I already have my characters straight, so they’re hitting the ground running without any of the initial probing to establish their identities. It also means that when it comes to throwing in the odd twist or ratcheting things up, I know where to hit them so it properly hurts.

Those are the direct-line techniques I’m using.

Others are more about focus and concentration.

I’m not letting myself get hung up on correct words or beautiful sentence construction – I’m just getting the story down. So although a part of me goes ‘hey, hang on, you can’t use ’strode’ again because someone else did that two lines ago’, I’m able to go ‘doesn’t matter, we’ll fix it in the edit. No time to think of a better word now’, and just plugging on with it.

I start a new notebook for each novel, and it carries everything from the initial idea sketches to the worldbuilding, outline, and eventual edit notes. What I’m doing this time that I’ve not done before is keeping a daily journal in that same notebook. That’s where the potential diversions go, the list of names of additional characters I throw in as we go along, and other ephemera (such as the name of the currency). And, at the end of the day, I note my daily word-count, the total word-count, and the number of scenes completed. That’s working well – it means less rummaging through the MS to find the name of such-and-such a person, and it also helps me keep track of any little surprises along the way. One such is a new character who popped up to fill a role in one scene, but then surfaced again in another. At the end of the writing session, it occured to me that I could use him in a couple of other ways, which might give some interesting depths to the story, or at least add another dimension of conflict. But by keeping him out of the story for now, tucked away in the notebook, I’m giving my muse time to play with him away from the main story. I’m not committing to him yet – I certainly don’t want him to derail or hijack the whole story, but he *is* interesting.

And finally, the music. I’ve got into the habit of using music to block out background distractions, and have gradually developed that, so that the music I listen to is in some way connected to the overall ‘feel’ of the novel. So, for example, when I wrote DISCONNECTION, I listened to a lot of electronica, and for CONTAIN THIS HOUR, a lot of 40’s big band. I’m not sure whether it’s just because I believe it’s so that my mood changes to fit the era in which I’m writing, or if there is something in the way the music is structured that reflects the underlying social mores of the period, but it definitely has an impact. In this instance, although I’m not writing an historic novel, there are a lot of oriental elements in the structure of Sere’s society, so Koto music is the sound of choice. I don’t know that I’m learning anything about it, since I don’t actively ‘hear’ anything while I’m writing (it only impacts on my awareness as I come out of a writing phase), but I’m sure it’s percolating around my subconscious somewhere and informing the ‘voice’ I’m using in the novel. It’s certainly a different voice to any I’ve used before, and it’s fascinating, wondering if the music is an influence or a consequence of that process.

Anyway, none of these words count towards that Nano total, and having stayed up late last night to push through the 20k barrier, I’m a little weary. So, for that reason, I’m going to stop whittering on and get back to work.

For all you fellow Nano-ers out there, I hope your muse is treating you kindly and the words are flowing well. For everyone else, I can only apologise for my incoherence. Normal service will be resumed at the end of November.

Let the madness begin …

It’s the beginning of November, and nothing else matters except getting those 50,000 words down, at approximately 1,700 per day, every day for the next few weeks.

I’m excited and a little bit nervous, but overall glad to be finally getting into this novel – it’s been waiting to be written for a long time, and it will be an absolute blast to get it out. Particularly so after a year of working (mostly) on old material in edits and rewrites, trying to get them up to standard. Here’s how it goes:

A skilled courtesan in the opulent decadence of the moon-world Sere finds herself the nexus between four political forces fighting for power after she rebels against her father’s decision to sell her to a political rival.

I do hope I can get that inner editor properly switched off, because I need to be able to just write, oblivious (largely) to quality and just focus on the story itself and in unravelling that. Having an unhelpful person leaning over my shoulder pointing out grammar slips, inelegant sentences and the odd typo is really, truly not needed. I’m working on the assumption that it’ll take me a week or so to get properly into the rhythm of it, so I’m not going to kill myself this week (I’ll save that for the final week of November), but with such a clear vision of the story and its setting, the characters and the outline, the anticipation is mouth-watering.

So, for that very reason, I’m keeping this short so I can get on with some *real* writing, instead of just talking about it.

Wish me luck?

Busy busy busy

It’s been a tough week …

I’m feeling pretty roughed up, though I’m not exactly sure why. It’s been a busy week – lots of to-ing and fro-ing, so I haven’t spent much time at home, and I think that’s a big part of it. I need that time at home, spending the time on the day-to-day maintenance/chores, to maintain my own feeling of being in control and on top of things, rather than being in a state of overwhelm and stress. Although I *can* tell myself, rationally, that because I am *choosing* to spend my time doing things outside the home, that the *consequence* of those choices is less time available to keep the house clean & tidy, but within myself, I don’t like the chaos and disorder. I *need* to have a calm, tranquil place where I can be, and I find it difficult to concentrate on other things – like my writing and my textile business – with the weight of un-done laundry hanging over my head.

The great fish-tank disaster really didn’t help, either.

On Tuesday, we piled in from school and the children were so high and happy and just needed to rush about the place for a bit …. unfortunately, before I could channel them into the garden, t’o-m came home from work. In the frenzy of rushing to greet him, Rumpus initiated a wooden hobby horse + door + fish tank collision. He managed to punch a hole right through the (20 gallon) tank, and the whole of our (open plan!) downstairs was engulfed in a tidal wave of water and fish and screaming children. I have *never* seen so much water …. and I am amazed that I managed to stay as calm as I did, getting Honey to run upstairs and ‘grab every towel you can find & bring them here NOW’ whilst simultaneously evacuating my fabric store to higher ground and ordering t’o-m to get the fish before they suffocated.  Bella thought the whole thing was hilarious and had enormous fun jumping in the puddles … didn’t help my stress levels, though, since those puddles were largely filled with jagged chunks of broken glass. We managed to get mopped up, saved the fish, and my stock, and thought we were going to get lucky, with only the loss of an already-very-tired rug. Not so. The next morning we came down to find that water had got underneath the (wooden) floor and had warped and buckled and now closely resembled the Alps.

Not good.

After a fair amount of faffing about with the insurance company – for data protection they refused to speak to me, because only t’o-m’s name is on the policy document – it turns out that we are *not* covered for this sort of accidental damage (if the fish tank were integral to the structure of the building AND we’d installed a door-stop as a reasonable measure against this sort of accident, we’d have been OK), so we’re going to have to foot the bill ourselves. It’s a bit eye-watering, since the quotes we’ve been getting so far have all been in excess of £5k. T’o-m is now talking about buying the flooring and installing it himself … which is possibly even more stressful, if less costly. It certainly looks like it’s put paid to our plans to bolt to Devon for the half-term break … I may still go with the children on the train, but t’o-m is now planning to stay behind and lay flooring instead. BAH! I possibly wouldn’t mind so much, but he’d literally just (last weekend) replaced all the skirting boards & we thought the downstairs living area was (finally) finished.

I guess sometimes life just has to jump up and bite you in the ass … though I’m finding it difficult to be philosophical about the whole business.

A rush order in the textile business, a trip to IKEA and a stack of other child-related aggravations plus a major bout of man-flu for t’o-m has added to the stress-mix, and I’m struggling to keep my head above water, and I have this constant knot of anxiety in my stomach like there’s a demon sat on me, crushing the breath out of me. I am having to constantly remind myself to relax, breathe, to release my shoulders from around my ears, and triage the tasks – critical stuff can and will get done, non-critical stuff – well, it can wait, can’t it? But it’s hard work, to keep that in mind, when the chaos is stacking up around me – I’m really not good at recognising what I *have* done. It’s far easier to beat myself up over the things that are making me fall short of perfection.

But hell, I’m not perfect, and never will be. I can live with that, can’t I?

What I do need to do is to recognise that yes, I have had a tough week, but not all weeks are like that one. Possibly, I have another one ahead – purely and simply because I’ve got a couple of commissions to get out of the door, AND I need to sort and finish Magpies stock for the gallery – now two galleries, since I’ve been asked for more stock in the Otterton one as well – ideally all before half term. Added to that, it’s a busy week with the children - a lot of non-routine activities – that throw me out of my ordered routine.

So, although I feel as though I want to take a step back and re-assess everything, I don’t think that’s particularly the answer. What I need to do is to remind myself, when it comes to making choices, how I feel when the house starts to slide into chaos, and whether it’s worth the sacrifice. What I need to do is to remind myself that some weeks are worse (or better) than others and just go with the flow, as far as I can.

What I need to remember is that flexibility is the key to all this – not just to recognise that I can’t do everything, but to actually *accept* it as well, and plan my weeks accordingly. After all, this week, despite the craziness, not one day went past when anyone didn’t have clean clothes to wear, and no-one went hungry (or unwashed) at any one time. So, in the scheme of things, it probably doesn’t matter that I didn’t get to the washing up on Friday, or that I haven’t vacuumed upstairs or cleaned the sink in the downstairs washroom.

As I’ve said before: Shit happens. Deal with it, and move on

I’m working on channelling Scarlett O’Hara with a little Sufi wisdom thrown in for good measure ….

This too shall pass, and tomorrow’s another day

Where are the songs of spring?

Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness,
Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun;
Conspiring with him how to load and bless
With fruit the vines that round the thatch-eaves run;
To bend with apples the mossed cottage-trees,
And fill all fruit with ripeness to the core;
To swell the gourd, and plump the hazel shells
With a sweet kernel; to set budding more,
And still more, later flowers for the bees,
Until they think warm days will never cease,
For Summer has o’er-brimmed their clammy cell.

Who hath not seen thee oft amid thy store?
Sometimes whoever seeks abroad may find
Thee sitting careless on a granary floor,
Thy hair soft-lifted by the winnowing wind;
Or on a half-reaped furrow sound asleep,
Drowsed with the fume of poppies, while thy hook
Spares the next swath and all its twined flowers;
And sometimes like a gleaner thou dost keep
Steady thy laden head across a brook;
Or by a cider-press, with patient look,
Thou watchest the last oozings, hours by hours.

Where are the songs of Spring? Ay, where are they?
Think not of them, thou hast thy music too,—
While barred clouds bloom the soft-dying day,
And touch the stubble-plains with rosy hue;
Then in a wailful choir, the small gnats mourn
Among the river sallows, borne aloft
Or sinking as the light wind lives or dies;
And full-grown lambs loud bleat from hilly bourn;
Hedge-crickets sing; and now with treble soft
The redbreast whistles from a garden-croft,
And gathering swallows twitter in the skies.

Ode to Autumn – John Keats

 

The wind and rain are blowing Summer out of the door with some determination, so I’ve been putting the garden to bed and preparing for next Spring’s planting season … it’s entailed some reflection about what has gone well in the garden and where I need to adjust my thinking: I think the main conclusion on the veg front is that I’m going to grow more quantity of less variety … concentrating on the things we use a lot of and not bothering with the things that we tried and didn’t get on with – runner beans, radishes and broad beans, to name but a few!!

Legumes

Beans did very nicely this year, but next year I’ll grow more of the Cobra beans we all liked - and none at all of the runner beans or broad beans, which we didn’t - with a view to being able to stock the freezer for after the growing season ends. Likewise with peas – lots and lots more of them, the three sowings I did of them pretty much got devoured from pod to table in one fell swoop. The squashes and courgettes didn’t do well this season – I think a combination of slug/snail attacks and the dry summer did for them as the yield has been disappointing, despite annihilation of male flowers and nice soil preparation for them. I’m going to start the sweetcorn indoors a little earlier next year … I followed the packet instructions, but they are very late and the little cobs I’ve got now are in a desperate race against time with the weather to produce anything worth having – I need them to be better developed earlier, so they get out in the sun earlier in the year.

Root Crops

These, of course, are only just getting going due to the failure of my early carrots. I’m trying again with early carrots this year, and will use horti-fleece to protect them rather than cloches this time, to see if that produces any better results. It looks like we’ve got a good crop of autumn carrots, though, and they don’t seem to have suffered the same fate as my potatoes, which got badly mauled by either soil-living slugs or wireworm – either is possible in our heavy clay. I’ve decided that next year I’ll use my now-redundant bin and my defunct incinerator (as I need a new one anyway) and try growing them in a ‘barrel’ in a different position, to both improve the yield and, hopefully, avoid the pest attacks that spoiled this year’s crop. The parsnips are looking good, but I’m waiting for the first frost to sweeten them up before I see what I’ve got going on there – the plants certainly look healthy and well developed! Radishes were very successful, which is a shame because the children detest them … ah well, maybe they’ll come to them later in life. My beetroot suffered, too – again, I think the dry weather told on them … but at least they’ve not bolted, so they may yet come good. I live in hope eternal …. Florence Fennel was my only total failure (which is a pain because the herb fennel is absolutely rampant!) – next year, I’m going to try starting them indoors first, and see if that makes a difference.

Onions

The autumn-sown onions did spectacularly well – we’ve only just finished eating those, so it’s disappointing that the onion sets I planted this year have not done very well at all … I’m wondering if the fertility of the soil in the bed I used – one of the new ones – was lower than it needed to be for them? I’m not sure, however, whether this is the case, since the spring onions have done wonderfully, and the leeks are starting to come good as well just now – they’ve suddenly gone from looking rather spindly and pathetic to being as thick as my thumb and looking very sturdy and happy – earthing up to blanch them has been hopeful & happy!

Brassicas

My poor cabbages had a torrid time of it over the summer, whilst we were on holiday, but thanks to a great tip from Oracle of the Pearl, the application of neem oil and an army of caterillar-pickers (aka the children), they are now making a comeback and heading up nicely. For some of them, it’s a race against time as to whether we’ll get any use out of them, but others like the savoy and purple sprouting brocoli will overwinter quite happily. What’s disappointing is that my optimistic companion planting of marigolds, calendula and herb fennel had absolutely no effect on the quantity and appetite of the wretched cabbage white butterflies whatsoever, so that idea needs to go back for a rethink. I had hoped to be completely chemical free in the garden, but I might have to retract on that ambition until I can find more reliable natural methods of keeping my crops intact.

Still, the overall verdict is that I’ve saved more on my vegetable shopping than I spent on seeds, so overall, this season scores a WIN!

Salads

The lettuce and tomatoes were absolutely rampant this year – they did so well, I can’t wait for next year … I might even give indoor salad-gardening a shot, though I’m not sure I can fool the poor things into believing it’s summer. Cucumbers and peppers were a total wipeout – the seed I had was just too old, and I wasn’t organised enough to save seeds from last year’s crops to re-use this time round. Next year, with a fresh batch of seed, I’m hoping for a lot more success …

Fruits

We had a superbundance of soft fruit in the garden this year … strawberries, raspberries, redcurrants & blackcurrants all did splendidly well, though the children’s view of them as on-tap snack options meant that precious few ever made it into the kitchen … not that I have a major objection to that, but I was hoping to store at least *some* fruit for winter use! The blackberry season came so early this year, that by the time we were home from holiday in mid-August, it was pretty much all over. We managed a couple of great blackberry rambles, and had a good run of blackberry & apple crumbles & tarts, but again I’ve got nothing stored for the winter. The apple tree didn’t fruit well this year, which surprised me because it gave us a massive crop last year that we were still using well into May this year … something that made the seemingly endless hours of peeling, chopping and blanching last autumn worthwhile … but this year’s crop was poor in both quantity and quality. I’m not sure why, since the tree looks healthy and we’ve consistently had a lot of bees in the garden this year. I shall have to investigate.

I think the big objective for next year will be to try to grow more for storing on into winter – we’ve eaten well out of the garden as and when things come into season, but we’ve not grown enough to allow us to store things for later on in the year and into spring next year, which is disappointing. I’m hoping that by growing more of less, and making sure I’ve got better holiday cover for the garden, that we will not be in this same boat next year.

Other than an artemisia and some borage, I didn’t really add to our herbs this year … I did split thyme and sage and rosemary around the garden, and those have all done well in their new homes, though they didn’t have their hoped-for effect in terms of companion planting benefits, as far as I could tell. Still, it *is* good to have them in and amongst other plantings and a more integral part of the garden overall – it fits better with my long term plans and has helped me with my overall thinking about the garden’s structure.

Although we’ve been here 5 years now, very little time has been spent on the garden in between babies and refurbishing what was an old wreck of a house, so this was the first ‘proper’ year of the garden. It’s taken this year for me to adjust my thinking to the scale of this garden: my two previous gardens were small. The first was a mere 6 x 10 foot rectangle outside the front of our tiny terrace, and the second, although it was 60 x 20 feet, had only about 20 x 20 feet of garden due to shed/hardstanding at the bottom and a deck & pond at the top, and of that there was a 10-foot diameter circular lawn taking up most of the space. So those gardens were pretty small scale, and needed very little to make an impact. In this garden, sticking to the plants I’ve used before has made very little impression on the overall garden, and I’ve come to realise that I do need to be looking at the ‘architectural’ section to be able to make the same sorts of statements here – I need to think on a much bigger scale (the garden is 100 x 40 feet), and consider bringing into play some plants with a slightly more invasive habit that I’d previously ever have considered.

What I’ve also had to accept is that I currently don’t have the time for a full planting programme of both vegetables and more ornamental elements, so I need to move away from trying to do both and concentrate on the vegetables, and bring the ornamental plants in more slowly than I’d hoped. It means working one bed at a time, rather than taking a scatter-gun approach and trying to do a bit of everything, and buying in the plants at a smaller stage of development and allowing them to grow into their space … I’m also thinking that I need to go adventuring to the non-trade wholesale nurseries, and pay more attention to local village fairs etc, where plant stalls might be found – those, at least, will be a good bet for plants that do well locally. I’ve got tags, too, on plants in friends’ gardens, so that ‘when you split these’ or ‘can I have a cutting of’ is becoming a more common request. It will take a long time, but I had both the previous gardens for 8 or more years, so it’s good to remind myself that these things take time.

I’m still holding to my intention to make this a healing garden – not only in terms of a predomination of edible and medicinal plants, but also in spiritual terms, so that it’s a welcoming, peaceful place that enchants and intrigues, drawing people into it. At the moment, the children need the open space of the lawn (football pitch), but as their needs change, I’m hoping to change the garden with them, creating more complexity and privacy, little surprises and quiet corners where they can go and chat with friends or just be out of sight for a bit. Of course, to realise that, I *will* need the bigger, architectural pieces – plants & structures – to create the frame which places the rest of the garden in context, complementing & contrasting the different areas and making them into a coherent whole.

It’s a very long-haul piece of work, and sometimes it feels a bit daunting, to be standing at the bottom of the mountain and looking up, until I remember that the journey is already begun and I am in the foothills. Yes, there is a long way to go, but I have started and I will get there, eventually, if I just keep at it. Of course, it’s entirely possible that I’ll never finish – after all, they do say that a gardener’s work is never done – but in this case I am prepared to accept that the journey is as important as the destination, and I’m looking forward to spring, and to picking up where I’ve left off.

End of Quarter Progress Report – Q3

It’s been a BIG quarter for me, more on a personal level than in any other way. Regular readers will know that I’ve been happy recently   and coming out of that black hole has had a big impact on how I think and feel and work in all areas of my life, and it has been a continual improvement since then.

I feel more relaxed, more focussed on what’s important, and I feel I’ve really internalised a lot of thinking I’ve been doing this year – helped by the regular blogging, which has made me realise how circular or perhaps cyclical my state of being has been up to now.

Back in Feb I said (after a particularly crappy week):

So, despite the potential for derailment, I did manage to get a lot done in the week so I feel like it hasn’t been wasted. I guess the BIG learning points for me are:

1) Shit happens, deal with it and move on

2) Plans are not set in stone, I need to be flexible and change things around as and when needed

3) I should acknowledge and value what I have done, instead of dwelling on what I have not done

4) As long as I keep my key words – COMPLETE and ENJOY – as my guiding lights, I’ll stay on track

Point 3 is a huge step for me. I am always far too quick to step up and give myself a kicking over the things I have not done. Based on looking over the list of what I *did* do (and that leaves out all the normal, house-and-family-daily-maintenance activity I handle), I can’t even begin to describe last week as a waste of time or opportunity. I used my time in a slightly different way to how I had planned it. That doesn’t make it (or me) a failure.

However, it’s something I lost sight of, except for brief flashes on an intermittent basis when I was feeling good anyway, up until now when I re-read it, and it actually feels *right*, and I accept that what I wrote then is actually true, and those four points are now an integral part of the way I think about what I do and how I approach each day.

At the end of Q2, I said:

I’ve achieved less than I hoped I would. However, what is undoubtedly a massive benefit that by far outweighs the slower progress is that I feel I am settling into a good routine of working and playing, that I am holding to my two intentional words for the year – COMPLETE and ENJOY – and that I feel I am making good progress.

Not only in my writing and in my business, but in personal terms as well, I feel more settled than I did at the beginning of the year, and whilst my passions for writing and sewing will continue to drive me, I feel less crowded by other demands on my time, and that I am able to pay more attention to the ‘big rocks‘ and as a result I am getting more done.

That, for me, has absolutely been borne out by Q3, despite more changes in routine and different demands on my time – I’m focussing on the priority tasks, and a lot of the smaller, less critical elements are being deferred or deleted - I feel less pressure to DO IT ALL NOW. That’s impossible, and will only cause me stress and anxiety … and because I’ve accepted this, I no longer get the associated resentment and frustration at being so hamstrung by children and routine domesticity: they, too, are a critical part of my life, and are actually more important than a lot of the ’stuff’ on the infernal list.

So: on to the nitty gritty. I’m working to the revised plan as laid down in Quarter 2, and generally I’m up to date with it all – which is a blooming good feeling! I guess it helps that the planning was better, and more realistic, at least in part because I’ve settled into a good working routine and have a better understanding of how I work and how much I can do – consistently, without the big binges and consequent crashes.

1) Writing

Standard tasks:

- maintain schedule discipline of write/edit/submit a story every other week – this has dropped off a little over the quarter – 13 stories in ‘finished inventory’ and a total of 48 submissions. This is kind of on track with the ’submit a story every other week’ target I set, but that feels like a technicality, because I really haven’t been paying much attention to it this year – the focus has been all on novels. I am, however, happy with the level of activity- the level of rejections suggests that I do need to pull back on this, go back and re-review the stories in light of the rejections, and maybe do a little more workshopping etc of the stories. My priorities, however, lie quite firmly in getting the novels finished and edited and out on the rounds, so it’s inevitable that the short stories suffer. I’m going to hold it over until next year, and when I do my planning, I’ll incorporate a round of short storying in between novel activity.

- maintain current crit group commitments  – on track, more or less – I have a week of catch up scheduled for next week!

- complete the “How to Think Sideways” course – this is back on track, though I’m working it slightly differently (and probably how Holly intended in the first place ) – I’m using the course lessons alongside the writing work I’m doing, so that it informs and enhances the work – that way I am properly understanding the material and its application into my writing, and hopefully producing stronger first drafts as a result.

 In terms of outline priorities, the rest of the year looks broadly like this:

• July – HTTS
• September – ‘Contain This Hour’ novella revised-concept first draft

The HTTS rethink meant that these two got ‘bundled’ together, for the writing elements of the course, at least. As a result, CONTAIN THIS HOUR  took a bit longer than I thought it was going to, but I HAVE FINISHED THE FIRST DRAFT!!! Woot! Fantastic news, and I feel very good about it … of course, it does need a lot of rework, but hey, first drafts aren’t supposed to be perfect.

August – Anneth edits

As a result of the HTTS rethink, the Anneth edits got shifted out into October, when they will tie in with the editing parts of the HTTS course. I’m trialling the methods on a (not so) short story I wrote back in Feb, that I’m considering for submission to the Samhain Publishing “Angels and Demons” Anthology call. It is entirely possible that due to the delay in finishing CONTAIN THIS HOUR, that I won’t even get Anneth edits started, since I think getting the Samhain sub out the door takes higher priority, and, of course, Nanowrimo is coming up.

• October – ‘Serpent of Colchis’ edits -

This is *so* booted into next year, not least because I only picked up a single crit in the last round of my novel crit group. I need to take another look at it and the ‘blurb’ that goes alongside it before I put it back into the queue because it (and I!) desperately need help, since everyone who has read ends up  *loathing* my main character.

• November/December/January – ‘Sere’ first draft 

This is still in the pipeline, and Nanowrimo is the launch pad. I am *seriously* excited about this novel, and can hardly wait to get started … and it will take me the rest of this year (factoring in Christmas and other, regular commitments on the writing front) and into next year to complete. It’s a BIG story and it is *BURNING* me up. (Which is *absolutely* how it should be!)

So, all in all, and taking the year into account, it’s been an absolute stormer. No, I haven’t done everything I said I wanted to do at the beginning of the year, but those plans were preposterously optimistic and I am very happy with what has been my biggest writing year so far.

• I have 13 short stories out on regular submission rounds
• I have rewritten (almost from scratch) SERPENT OF COLCHIS – 97K words of it, and taken it through an edit pass.
• I have rewritten – from scratch, since I fundamentally changed the whole premise of the story – DISCONNECTION – 60k words
• I have written two novellas  – STALKER – 21k words, and CONTAIN THIS HOUR – 29k words

I think by any standards, that’s not a bad haul, and when I add in the regular critiquing of short stories, novels and novel chapters AND the HTTS course, that’s not a bad haul of words – and the year’s not done yet!!

Textile arts/crafting – from a business perspective, this is more or less where I want it to be right now. The Etsy experiment is closed off, for now, though I might go back to it at a later date, or perhaps give MISI a try, since it seems more UK based (though with a smaller potential marketplace …). Targets wise, the end of the year is looking pretty packed:

• I’ve set up a separate blog – Magpies Laundry – for the textiling side of things … I need to build up regular posting, and getting more photo-ing going so I can keep that up to date
• At the moment, I’m working up my Christmas stock (yes, I know, already!) – that’ll take up the next week or so before I ship to the gallery
• I’ve got a number of commissions lined up that I’m pretty excited about – once I get my stock cleared, I can crack on with them – should be fun!! That’ll take me into November, easily.
• I need to restructure my website so that it’s more coherent and better represents what I do – it looks a bit scrappy at the moment, and I desperately need to update some of the links AND add more photos onto it.

Existing objectives:

- try 1 new stitch, technique or craft I haven’t tried before each month - this really dropped off this quarter, mostly because it seems pointless to be trying things just for the sake of it. With limited time and regular demand for what I already do, I need to be focussing on delivering what I can do, well. For next year, I might pinpoint a couple of techniques that I *really want* to try out and target them as specific development areas (crochet springs to mind!) or else look at courses and/or mentors who might help me further develop areas I already work in.

- stick to my ‘buy handmade’ pledge I haven’t been buying much of anything, but what  I have bought has been handmade

- stick to my ‘wardrobe refashion’ pledge on track – haven’t bought any new clothes for me or the children this year – NCT sales, charity shops and ebay have kept us kitted out in fine style at next to no cost. It’s all good … and I’ve actually signed up for ‘life’ in the lastest rounds, because I enjoy it so much!

- do at least one of Marysa’s lovely courses at the Otter Bindery - the timings just haven’t worked out for me so far, but I’m retaining the intention …

Personal - not so much here, though with so much going on in the above two, one of them must be:

- REMEMBER I HAVE A FAMILY

- I will take at least 2 weeks holiday this year - Summer felt like one long holiday!! I did do a fair bit of writing, but had decided that with the children off school, trying to keep the textile side going was putting myself on a hiding to nothing, so instead I kicked back and had an absolute ball with the children – with the week at Easter, and the 4 weeks over the summer, I’ve well and truly met this target …

- I will try at least 1 new thing with at least 1 of my children every month At the end of last quarter, I concluded “I haven’t really been doing this, but we have been spending time together, so I think it counts … I’d rather not be doing things just for the sake of novelty …” and that does still hold. Instead, I’ve been concentrating on being less rigid and obsessive with my routine jobs etc, and they’ve enjoyed ‘helping’ me with chores and cooking and gardening – caterpillar picking was a particular favourite!!

- I will work through the “How to talk/how to listen” book – SHAME! I still haven’t opened this book … but by sorting out my routines and being more calm and ‘available’ with/for them, I feel like I’m making progress anyway. Certainly Shrieking Banshee Woman ™ has been making fewer appearances, recently.

- go to bed before midnight at least 4 times a week – I had that sorted at the end of Q2, but it’s slipped rather now the children are back at school and the full workload has kicked in again. I’ve been forced to accept that I need more sleep, I simply don’t have the stamina I had 10, or even 5, years ago – I don’t like it, but I do need to work with it and get some more sleep, and an early night at least once a week – Wednesday is looking favourite, since my dance class eats the evening.

- Books/Reading

- I will read at least 20 books this year, and I will (try to) not buy any more books (excl below) until I’ve caught up my backlog hmmmm. I’m just not very good at ‘not buying books’, although I am using the library more than previously ….

This year, I have read:  

1. Crystal Line – Anne McCaffrey
2. Tortilla Flat – John Steinbeck
3. Perfume – Patrick Suskind
4. Mainspring – Jay Lake
5. Escapement – Jay Lake
6. We Never Talk About my Brother – Peter S Beagle
7. Far Bright Star – Robert Olmstead
8. The Painted Man – Peter V Brett
9. Wolfblade (Wolfblade trilogy) – Jennifer Fallon
10. Warrior (Wolfblade trilogy) – Jennifer Fallon
11. Warlord (Wolfblade trilogy) – Jennifer Fallon
12. The Nameless Day (Crucible trilogy) – Sara Douglass
13. The Wounded Hawk (Crucible trilogy) – Sara Douglass
14. The Crippled Angel (Crucible trilogy) – Sara Douglass
15. Lord of Snow & Shadows (Tears of Artamon Trilogy) – Sarah Ash
16. Prisoner of Ironsea Tower (Tears of Artamon Trilogy) – Sarah Ash
17. Children of the Serpent Gate (Tears of Artamon Trilogy) – Sarah Ash
18. The Trial of Flowers – Jay Lake
19. Over – Margaret Forster
20. Not the End of the World – Kate Atkinson
21. Rise of the Iron Moon – Stephen Hunt
22. Among the Mountains – Wilfred Thesiger
23. On Chesil Beach – Ian McEwan
24. The Player of Games – Iain M Banks
25. Cast a Bright Shadow – Tanith Lee
26. The Bulgari Connection – Fay Weldon. Actually, this one probably doesn’t count seeing as I cast it aside without finishing it …

Next up I have Holly Lisle’s Diplomacy of Wolves, and I *should* be having Peter Brett’s next installment, Desert Spear, but amazon inform me the date has been put back to spring of next year. Grrrr, he’s as annoying as Stephen Donaldson in that respect – I’m still waiting for the final book of the last Covenant novels!!! So, beyond that, I’ve got nothing doing … beyond a handful of textbooks I want to take a run at (in my spare time, ha ha ha!)

I did toy with the idea of writing reviews for the books I read. I think, in the longer term, I’ll retain the intention, with a view to bringing it online as either a secondary income stream and/or source of free books, but for now it’s just not a high enough priority to allocate time to it.

- I will catalogue the existing collection on Library Thing - this still stands at its previous measurement of 8/32 shelves done, with 3 cartons yet to be unpacked. No progress …. I’ve been adding new books as they come through the door, so the backlog ins’t getting any bigger, but I’m figuring this is probably a winter task, and there’s a big dependency on me sorting out the attic-office so that I can actually shelve some of the books currently in cartons on the stairs. I need to set myself a deadline …

- house and garden

- grow more fruit and veg this year than we did last year – stick to the planting and maintenance plan - I kept more or less on track with this, but the weather and associated bug/pest increase has played havoc with my crops. We *did* grow and eat more than we did last year, but we lost an awful lot, as well. Next year’s crops are in progress, seeds are ordered and lessons learned reviewed and incorporated into next year’s gardening plan.

- reduce waste again to 1/2 a bin bag every week The introduction of the new waste scheme has got us down to a couple of small (carrier) bags every 2 weeks, with food waste and recycling collected separately. Having seen the way they collect the recycling – everything squished together into one big lorry – I’m a little sceptical about how much is actually being recycled, and how much is being landfilled by stealth. It’s something I need to follow up …

- take another 5% off our total energy usage for the year - I’ve completely lost track of where we are with this, and need to catch up!!!

- declutter and redecorate loft, improve my workspace – decluttering is done, redecoration is not started – as for the end of Q2, no further progress – I’m targetting it as a winter activity when the garden/weather dictate indoors!

- list and sort out all the little leftover jobs now the refurb is finished - list is done, and in progress, but good weather isn’t conducive to interior work, so it’s slow progress – will probably pick up once the garden season is over …. as of the end of Q2 … progress is picking up, but it’s a slow old business and painting is tricky with an active toddler around …

- and last but not least, get my BMI back down to 22. It’s completely out of control since Bellaboo arrived, and I don’t think I can call it baby fat any more. It’s just fat. It must go. Progress hasn’t been good on this, but I’m now doing 2 dance classes a week, a buggysize class and I have the Wii Fit & Wii Active, that I generally get to either every day or every other day, and things are finally starting to turn around – I’ve gone down one notch on my belt in the past week!! I’ve booked myself onto a health & nutrition course starting in mid October, so hopefully that’ll further the mission. Still horrified that I weigh as much now as I did when I was full-term pregnant with Honey, way back when …

 

Wow! I have been enormously busy, but life is good and I’m enjoying the fullness of it … I’m hitting the things that are important to me, little by little, and I’m getting less hung up on the bits and pieces I don’t get to – picking the cherries off my ‘menu of desirable options’ is working well for me, and for the first time in a long time, I’m coming into the last quarter of the year feeling positive about what I have done this year, what I’ve still got left to do, and really not feeling the impending sense of dread depressive failure because I haven’t had a ‘perfect’ year and achieved the pie-in-the-sky hopes of the beginning of the year.

Critically, for me, this year has let me establish a good routine in all areas of my life – from childcare and domestic goddessing, to my internal convolutions, to my textile work, to my WRITING (huge win!) AND in the ‘interior refinements’ the house needs.

I’m tired, but in a satisfied way. I bet you are too – I’ve just seen the word count on this, so if you’re still with me, dear reader, then thank you, and good night!

Earth Mother? What’s in a name?

I got called an ‘earth mother’ last week – and found it surprisingly offensive. The person who said it is a good friend of mine, and I don’t think she intended it in a perjorative sense, but still ….

The whole business took such a hold of me, that I needed to take a little time out to try to sift through everything and try to figure out just why I’d been so offended by the term. After all, as a committed environmental do-gooder, parent and gardener, it *ought* to be a compliment. Right?

A big part of my reaction stems from the fact that I just don’t like labels – those attached to people, at any rate. I believe that they become a limiting factor both for the person labelled, who finds themself almost conforming to the norms that label engenders, and for the person doing the labelling, who then sees all that other person’s behaviour through that filter. It closes off the possibility for either of them, certainly without rethinking the relationship as a whole, to see either sets of behaviour in any other light, and becomes incredibly restrictive. No single label can ever define an individual in their entirety. It can, perhaps, explain certain aspects of character or behaviour, but if it becomes the whole story, then that person ceases to become an individual and becomes a two-dimensional cardboard cutout fulfilling an externally-imposed role. Once a relationship is set into that course, it takes pretty drastic action on one side or another to break out of it. In this instance, my immediate reaction is a desire to do something that will smash the perception, but that’s perhaps not a sensible course of action to take, since the behaviours normally associated with the label ‘earth mother’ are largely positive behaviours I want to carry on doing.

That, in itself, raises questions about why I don’t like the term.

If the values and behaviours associated with the term ‘earth mother’ are something I identify as positive, then why should I be offended, beyond a reaction (or over-reaction) to a label used, possibly just as a flyaway comment.

Digging deeper, I see the label as something that isolates me, that identifies me as something ‘other’ than what the labeller would identify as ‘normal’ (or perhaps ‘like me’ would be more apt). If being an ‘earth mother’ puts me into another, separately identifiable group from that to which the labeller belongs (‘people like me’), then possibly it also puts those values and behaviours belonging to ‘earth mother’ into a separate group as well. By separating them from the ‘norm’, then those behaviours and values become something that those in the ‘people like me’ group can ignore. From my perspective, those values and behaviours are not particularly onerous or stringent or ascetic or puritanical or restrictive, nor do I believe that in terms of time or effort or finance or other resource, they are particularly burdensome things. They are (relatively small) things that everyone *could* do, that *would* (in aggregate terms) make a pretty big shift in the way society uses, interacts with and responds to the environment. So, to find that even those who I thought broadly shared my values consider my position as one more extreme than theirs, so much more extreme than theirs that it warrants a separate category, makes me feel a little disappointed, and a little angry. By identifying this separation, they are identifying an excuse (or reason) for not adopting similar measures.

That probably sounds a bit evangelical and over-zealous. I’m not on a mission to convert everyone to my way of doing things, nor am I involved in any sort of deep ecology movement that would entail dramatic change in a normal household. The actions I take *are* small-scale, and they are more shifts in thinking that lead to related action, than shifts in action without the supporting thinking underpinning the change, and as such I see myself as broadly in line with most people. To suddenly find myself categorised as some sort of extremist for these actions is rather startling, and makes me wonder how far out of step I actually am with my peers. It’s kind of unsettling, and a little bit worrying in terms of the long-term prospects for change and recovery.

And it’s still not the whole story.

There’s another level to it, one that goes back to the origins of the term itself.

‘Earth Mother’. It conjures up an image of hippyish sentimentality, of compassion and lentils and incense, kaftans and cymbals and astrology, and a whole raft of loose-headed new age thinking and hoppity-skippety happy-clappy spiritual claptrap driven by emotion rather than reason that sits very uncomfortably with my own self-image.

Perhaps this is an odd statement to make.

After all, Earth Mother also conjures an image of a strong woman, very grounded, very centred, with home and hearth at the heart of everything she does. That aspect of it is not so terrible, nor is the association with certain aspects of the Goddess movement coming out of the second-wave of feminism – a further step away from accepting the values and norms of a patriarchal and often misogynistic culture. Little to object to there, perhaps.

Maybe so, but the bitter aftertaste lingers. Partly because I’m not totally convinced that feminism has been the triumphant victory once heralded. Sure, women are now allowed to compete with men on all fronts, and sometimes they even win. But there has been no fundamental shift in attitude or behaviour or values, in real terms, in the way society operates. Some concessions have been made - men are more willing to show emotion, more willing to involve themselves with domestic pursuits, women are able to hold senior positions in respected organisations, and so on and so forth – but the structures and systems of our society have just been enlarged to accomodate women, rather than being fundamentally changed by any increasing influence of women upon them. Instead, there has been an irrational rush to fill these structures as quickly as possible, to introduce emotional, compassionate empathatic gestures and posturing into everyday life, without any supporting intellectual or rational vigour, or considered and effective supporting actions. The morals, ethics and standards of the despised patriarchal past have been torn down and tossed aside, but without any considered standards to replace them – rather, women and men alike have rushed to fill the void with strident evidence that each gender is as capable of behaving as badly and selfishly as the other (with blinkers firmly on to all evidence of exploitation and the need for moderation, checks and balances), whilst insisting that they have a right to do so. Nonsense on stilts. From where I’m sitting, it looks like the ‘liberation’ of women has just lead to a greater degree and range of exploitation, and greater acceptance of that exploitation in the name of ‘freedom of choice’. In my mind, the term ‘Earth Mother’ is a straight-line connection from the feminist movement of the 60’s to the present day catastrophe and death of reason, and I don’t much care for those sorts of connotations.

My position stems much more from a considered, rational piece of work than some emotional response to seeing fluffy bunnies being slaughtered, but, by calling me ‘Earth Mother’, I feel I am being deprived of the respect or recognition that these rational processes deserve. Again, I’m not claiming to be an intellectual giant in the field (or any field, for that matter), however, I do resent the implication that my standpoint is driven out of some irrational, emotional piece of hippyish sentimentality, high on empathy and compassion but low on any sort of intellectual rigour or application of logic.

Of course, for the person who used the term, ‘Earth Mother’ may not have any of this negative baggage associated with it, and perhaps she would be surprised if she knew what a strong reaction she’d provoked in me. Certainly, when I started unpacking it, I wasn’t expecting that my objections would run so deep and to such a fundamental level. It certainly made me think about how much power there can be in a name.

It has made me wonder if there have been times when I’ve thrown out the odd comment or phrase or label that has meant little to me, but has had a profound impact on the person to whom I addressed it. If that is the case, then I’ll apologise retrospectively for not considering the implications more carefully before using it. I wonder how many other people have found themselves in a similar position – tagged with a name or a label that is not, on the surface, offensive, but has deeply affected them?

Has it ever happened to you?

Green shoots of recovery ….

I actually managed to get a good week in, last week, and am feeling remarkably well-balanced and settled at the moment. It’s a relief after feeling so off-centre for what feels like a long time.

All lot of things fell into place for me over the last week, not least of which was a series of affirmations that I wrote out for myself, and a written recognition of techniques and tools that work for me, and a “banned list” of negative ways of acting and thinking that are just not helpful.

It amazed me how much power came out of writing these affirmations down: I felt incredibly liberated and almost tearful with some of them, a release from years of build-up of anxieties and resentments which felt like a huge load got lifted off my shoulders.  And actually, it was a huge load that I lifted off – part of it was an active decision to shuck off the weight of others’ expectations of me – what I should be or do or think or want, and a decision to trust in myself and my own judgement, and make my own choices based on what I *really* want, not what I think others think I ought to want.  (Hrmmm, a bit convoluted, that one, no wonder I’ve been confused).

A big part of that is actively allowing myself to trust that those around me, for whom I care, will uphold me: if I let myself fall, they will catch me. They care enough about me to accept my decisions even if they don’t necessarily like them … and may even *prefer* my decisions and choices knowing that they are made wholly from my needs & desires rather than driven out of some sort of reluctant submission to my speculative assessment of *their* needs & desires. It’s quite scary and exposed-feeling, and I’m feeling vulnerable, like it’s a huge, brave and bold step to take, though I wonder whether or not anyone else will notice … I’m not announcing it with loud fanfares, nor am I being particularly aggressive over protecting my choices. It just feels like a big step out into the light from the black box I’ve been hiding in since … I don’t know when.

 A big side effect of working out these affirmations – these positive, powerful statements – has been that I have felt much more relaxed and confident over the past week in all areas of my life. The transformative power of a simple mindshift to view myself and what I *can* do in positive terms (instead of being trapped by all the negative not/can’t fears) is absolutely astonishing – in stressful situations, I’m much more able to relax and deal with it calmly, objectively and constructively, and am much more prepared to think laterally to consider the problem from a different angle and figure out a way to solve it without insisting that *my* way is the *only* way to approach it.

I’m become much more flexible in terms of using my time – I already used timeblocking, but got upset if I couldn’t use my ‘block’ as I’d planned, and let myself get incredibly pressured by the almighty to-do list. My attitude shift is allowing me to prioritise my most-important tasks each day and let the rest go, and view the to-do list as a semi-prioritised menu of desirable options. It means that I’m much less of a slave to the whip-cracking list, and I’m viewing those things as enjoyable ways to use leisure time to enhance my home or garden or life in general, rather than mandatory exercises to be got through and ticked off in some endless and futile pursuit of an impossible perfection. It helps remind me that these are all things (with a few exceptions) that I *want* to do, and that I will *enjoy* the process of doing, not imposed tasks that I should or ought to do.

I suppose a lot of this sounds pretty obvious, and I guess in many ways it is. But, for me, after the best part of nine years down a black hole kicked off by PND when Honey was born, these are massive steps out of an oppressive, depressive prison of Aspergers, anxiety and misery and back to some sort of normality. Yes, I am different, but those differences are not labels I can hide behind, nor are they plasters that I can use to patch myself back up so I can resemble a ‘normal’ person (whatever one of those might be). People will either accept me or they will not, and knowing I have Aspergers or PND or an anxiety disorder or psoriasis or whatever is not going to change their perceptions of me. They are excuses *I* use to shut myself off, and they do me no good and, in the long run, make it harder for people to understand and ultimately accept me.

I know with the level of creativity and drive I have, and with the standards I set myself, AND with a home and 3 children to nurture, my life is going to be busy. Very busy. But I can accept that, just as I can accept that I might need to let things happen more slowly so that I can maintain my wellbeing and energy levels in their current state. I am choosing to live that way, and by recognising my own active choices I rid myself of any number of nasty little resentment demons and I feel more open and at peace with myself and with my surroundings.

Of course, it’s not all perfect. I have had moments of stress and backsliding into old ways – after all, bad, entrenched habits are pretty hard to break all in one go – but these feel like exceptions rather than the norm. And I know that it’s easy to get carried away on the first wave of enthusiasm with these sorts of changes.

However, these changes feel like they go deep, like they’re a big, seismic shift in the way I think of myself, and in the way I see my life and those who fill it. I think it’s going to take some time for all those changes to settle down, for the aftershocks and knock-on effects to fully subside and for me to get used to this new internal landscape.

It’s exciting, not least because I’ve just given myself the most comfortable and productive week I’ve had in a very long time. In the last week I wrote another six scenes of the problematical CONTAIN THIS HOUR, so now I have 3/8 stories finished, and only 1 more story in the first cycle to finish, but I’ve also been keeping on top of the domestic and business side of things, AND finding time to spend on myself - with relaxations and exercise and gardening. With instant and immediate results like that, it’s easy to want to keep these changes going.

I iz happy.

YAY!

Whoosh! There goes another week …

We had our first full week back at school, and I can’t believe how fast it shot past.

It’s been a tough week for us all. After the comedown of last weekend’s excitement, it’s been all about getting our heads down and re-establishing routines and, for me, starting to tackle the holiday backlog of projects and deferred housekeeping – in the house, the garden, in my writing and in my business.

In a way, it’s a huge relief to move away from the unstructured chaos of the holidays and back into something approaching regularity – we’re not quite there yet, but we’re pretty close.  In others, the expectation that I/we would just drop straight back into it and hit the ground running was unrealistic.

For one thing, Bellaboo has decided she no longer needs her post-lunch nap, so trying to adapt my business working routines is going to be tricky: losing that two hours of uninterrupted time is going to be hard to replace. I think, in theory, that I should be able to get most of it done with her around, but it’s frustrating because it’ll mean that everything takes that bit longer because my concentration can’t be as focussed as it otherwise would be.

I also didn’t anticipate how much the switch back to a ‘working’ routine would drain me – and the children – and that a certain amount of ‘easing back into it’ is in order. Thankfully, the school didn’t load them up with homework, so despite protests about it all being hard work (it is), I think we’ll be back into the swing of it.

The big disappointment, for me, has been that my writing has been slipping. I’d hoped (again) to write six scenes for the CONTAIN THIS HOUR series, but in between exhaustion, unanticipated parental visits, dance class and a night of insomniac infantness, I’ve only got three done.

Possibly, I wouldn’t have even got that, because my lack of any sort of real progress on these stories had started to build itself up into a massive, monolithic monster of self-fulfilling failure, and I was finding myself starting to look for excuses why I shouldn’t write it, that I needed to make some massive changes to the basic premises of the story, that I didn’t have the skills to tackle it YET, that I should shelve it and move on.

But being the persistent devil that I am, in a non-quitting sort of way, I wasn’t prepared to give it up without a fight.

It turns out that a simple routine switch did the trick – I decided to have a shot at writing in the morning, and shifting my textile work to the evening … and it worked very and extremely well. I guess not being tired was a major factor, but I also think that just putting myself into that mental state of “I am going to sit down here and for the next hour I am going to do nothing else but work on this story” was enough to jolt it loose, because I’ve successfully worked on it in the evenings since then. Textiling, I can do when Bella is awake. Writing novels? Not a chance, so the loss of that nap means I can’t make the routine switch permanent. Perhaps, when she goes to pre-school NEXT September, I’ll experiment with the switch again and see how it goes, although, of course, phonecalls &etc can only happen during business hours, so we’ll have to see how that goes.

What is a big (re-)learning point for me is that I do need to re-establish working without distractions. The first part resurfaced quite quickly – that I need to plug headphones in and listen to music appropriate to the genre/period/style in which I’m writing. This week, LastFM has saved me, and I’m actually getting quite into big band music. The second remembered habit came out of the daytime writing session - emails, forums and blogs need to wait until AFTER the daily writing goals have been achieved, and whilst I’m working on them, I must stay disconnected from all distractions.

It has amazed me how easily all those hard-won learning points from earlier THIS year fell away over the slack, pressure-free days of the holidays and how it has taken so much effort to bring them all back on-line so I can get back to productive work. I suppose I need to be grateful that I *am* remembering my effective habits and gradually slipping off the ones that hold me back, but it’s made me feel like my writerly mojo is something that does need to be trained, and kept in good condition, just as an athlete trains their body, to be able to perform well. And, without that regular training, it’s become flabby and less strong, and what was simple is now painful and tiring.

What I’m hoping is that I haven’t lost too much condition, and that I can ramp back up to peak performance pretty quickly: on the plan, I need to have CTH finished by the end of September. Given that it’s projected at 8 stories of 3-5k each, then I think it’s going to be feasible to work 2-3 a week so I should, should, just about squeak in, given a clean run at the rest of the month.

Fingers crossed, eh?

It’s torture

I’ve been itching to write CONTAIN THIS HOUR for so long now, and I had last week scheduled out to start into it – a scene a day, over six days, would have given me pretty much the first couple of stories for the collection.

Did it happen?

Of course not.

I couldn’t settle, couldn’t fix my mind to it, couldn’t set aside the other distractions and demands on my time to give this story, this little, precious, gem, my full attention and let it out.

Admittedly, I did have a lot going on last week. The children went back to school, so there was a fair amount of rushing about to get them ready, and I needed to get myself back into the regularity of that routine, and re-establish my own rhythms in the house after a long 7 week break from reality. One of the most important has been getting back to my textile work after a long break – establishing priorities, schedules and a workplan to develop a small collection of autumn/winter pieces for the gallery, AND starting to work up a couple of commissions I have orders for. On top of all that, we hosted my parents’ 40th wedding anniversary celebrations over the past weekend. All-in-all, I guess I had a lot on my plate.

What I can’t quite figure out is whether these are excuses, or reasons. I can come up with more: I owe some crits to my reading groups, the pressure of them is weighing on me, diverting my energy, even though I have time scheduled later in the month to work on them.

At the end of the week, I’d managed the grand total of a single scene, a mere 1800 words. It’s dreadful: to have this desire, this urge to write, and then to be unable to fulfil it. It’s pure torture. I want my writing mojo back. I want to be able to sit infront of the laptop and let the words pour out, to let the story come alive on the page.

Right now, it feels as though I’m having to rip it out of my soul, screaming and kicking, and fight everything in my life to keep it there.

I hope it gets easier.

CONTAIN THIS HOUR

The holidays are drawing to a close, and already the evenings are setting chilly.

As the summer draws to its inevitably conclusion, t’o-m has observed “you’re about to start writing again, aren’t you?”.

How well he knows me.

Yes, the signs are unmistakeable. I am absent-minded (even more so than usual), grumpy, unable to settle to anything, frittering time away on procrastinatory jobs.

The time has come to face facts: the pre-planning is done, the outlining is done. I’ve read as much background and research data as I need to, and I’ve drilled several old ladies on their wartime experience.

I am all set and ready to go on CONTAIN THIS HOUR, but, as always, standing on the precipice is a pretty daunting prospect – nothing but a freefall of some 50,000 words before me, and little in the way of safety net, parachute or bungee line to anchor me.  It’s the same every time: I want to write the story – it’s been eating away at me for months, and it was a couple of years ago that the idea latched itself on to me. I *need* to write the story – it’s a departure from fantasy, but it’s a departure I want to make, an opportunity to explore a different landscape, to work on a smaller scale, to use different techniques to express the conflicts and resolutions that interconnect this group of stories.

So what’s holding me back?

Nothing, in the physical sense, but there’s always the fear: the fear that the reality of the novella will not live up to the ethereal creation balanced in my head, that something will be lost in the clumsy transmutation from glimmering mind-jewel to corporeal creation, that I am simply not capable of producing the work that I want to generate here and now.

Of course, to expect to produce a perfect first draft is insane, and I know that I will need to polish whatever I produce to bring it up the sheen I see in my mind, but still ….. the fear remains.

The only way to conquer that fear is to face it squarely and to start the work, to do it, and when it’s there I shall see if I’ve spawned an angel or a monster.

So. The goal this week: to write a scene per night, and complete two of the stories this week.

Wish me luck?