End of Quarter progress update . . .

Progress update for end of Q1 2009 . . .

I think it’s overall been a pretty productive one, although as always I find it difficult to recognise my own achievements and focus on where I’m ‘failing’, even though I *always* think I’m going to get more done in a day than I ever do! Still, I’m happy with the quality of the *work* that I’ve been doing, even if progress is slower than I’d hoped.  Time always seems to be my enemy – there’s always more I want to do than I ever have time to accomplish, and the constant juggling gets a bit wearing from time-to-time, and it’s difficult to accept that if I’ve had a good week with the children, then the house looks like a bombsite, but to keep the house clean means neglecting the children …. hello, no-win situation!! The problem is that I end up killing the time I’d use to look after myself – my down time when I’m not parenting, huswiffing or working – in order to keep up with these ‘tasks’, and so it’s the very personal diet and exercise elements that are falling off the radar, as are the handful of self-development targets I’d set myself. I can’t get to them without compromising on the ‘bigger blocks’ of the tasks. I know that rather than bemoaning a lack of time, I should re-prioritise the other things I do, but I’m kind of stuck in a rut with everything, where it’s too difficult (or I don’t have time ) to step outside myself to see what I *need* to do vs what I *want* to do, and prioritising accordingly.

Is there anything I could live with doing less of? The one thing that springs to mind is housework …. it’s something I keep coming back to – can I afford a cleaner to tackle the big cleaning jobs? Do I want a “stranger” in my house? How much time would that really save me? I can’t cut back on the time I spend with the children – until Bellaboo goes to school, anyhoo, nor do I want to cut back on writing time, or the time I spend on Magpies. That leaves precious little else to compromise on. I’m not sure where that leaves me.

One thing this last quarter has taught me, and that I’m facing reluctantly, is that I am getting older, and that I don’t have the stamina I once had. I’ve faced a string of injuries – from a badly torn trapezoid through carpal tunnel, twisted back and swollen knees – and a sequence of stupid coughs, colds, headaches and other minor upsets, all of which tell me that my body can’t meet the demands I’m placing on it any more. Which means that to do more, I need to urgently address issues of health and wellbeing – diet, exercise, and sleep. My hope is that by making myself focus on those areas in the next quarter, by eating right, sleeping well and exercising regularly, I will actually find I have the energy, concentration and focus to better meet the targets I’m setting myself elsewhere, and keep up with the delightful mix of different and interesting activitie s on which I spend my life.

1) Writing  Work list/schedule:

Standard tasks:

- maintain schedule discipline of write/edit/submit a story every other week

In 13 weeks I have written 1 not-so-short story (21k!), edited 3 in detail, and submitted 10 times. Some of those submissions are re-subs of rejected stories. I feel odd about realising that I’m actually on top of the schedule, in so far as I’m sticking to the average of 1 submission every other week, because I’m not writing anything new, nor am I working the backlog. In reality, I haven’t been dropping out of the ‘big’ projects I’ve been working on to hit the short stories, I’ve been rounding up once I’ve finished a project. I think that’s still OK, because I’m averaging around a month on each of the projects, so to slot in a two-week interlude for short-storying etc in between each project is working well for me. Going forward, I think I’m going to make it a target to *add* one new story to the inventory (whether written from scratch or reworked from back-catalogue) each time I do a pass through. This month, it’s ‘In Skin’ which hit the 10-reject mark, and got an in-depth rework – I’m pleased with the outcome, so hopefully it’ll pick up a hit soon ….

- maintain current crit group commitments

Absolutely up to date on this one ….

- complete the “How to Think Sideways” course

I’m behind on this …. I urgently need to knuckle down and put in a good couple of weeks work on it. I got stalled out on the lesson that deals with synopses, query letters and proposals, because they’re so *not fun* and such high-risk activities that I just went into shut-down. However, I need to do these so as soon as I’ve got the Disconnection rewrite under my belt, I’m taking a time out and catching up. Honest.

 Anneth:

- finalise, prepare synopsis and query letters and get out on the submission rounds

Not started! I am so chicken!!! (Plus it’s with my critique group at the moment so will be back with editing needs …..) (and lots of other excuses). I will prepare the synopsis & query letter this quarter, put through any crit-driven changes in Q3 and get it out on the rounds by the end of September.

 Serpent of Colchis:

- complete edit by end of Q1 2009 – DONE!

 Disconnection

- rewrite by end Q1 2009

In progress. It’s a little more extensive than an edit write-in, since the edit pass I did a couple of years ago (the shame of it!!) showed up some major shortcomings which I’ve addressed, and I’ve added in an entirely new sub-plot which both links-in and underscores the main plot activity, so I’ve got about 15k of the original 80-odd-k I wrote that can be re-used, the rest is entirely new. I’m estimating around a 75k finished MS, of which I’ve got 19k written, mostly thanks to FMWriters ‘March Madness’ challenge to write 3k a day.

Writing 3k a day is a tough call when it means that I’ve got to generate 1k/hour out of my daily 3hr writing session. What I found was that I could maintain that sort of pace & intensity for the first 5 days without too much problem, but the last 2 days turned into a real battle for words. At least part of the problem was that this wasn’t standard ‘first draft’ writing, where the words just spill onto the page in more-or-les random fashion, this is a re-write and is a much more controlled and calculating process, less ‘muse’ and more ‘me’ with much closer attention on technical details than I’d normally put into a first draft. So it’s been much more draining as an exercise. My conclusion is that for *this project* what I’m going to do is maintain an intense 5-day-on @ 3k words schedule, but then effectively take the weekends off for critiquing and short storying and blogging and reading and other *fun* things, to stop my enthusiasm stalling to the point where I can’t bear to look at the damn MS. AGAIN.

Textile arts/crafting – from a business perspective, this is more or less where I want it to be right now, though I have branched out to an Etsy shop this year. There are a couple of objectives I want to state, though they feel a little nebulous at this stage.

- try 1 new stitch, technique or craft I haven’t tried before each month

- shame on me! I’ve been so manic, the only new thing I’ve tried is smocking. I liked it, I think I will do it again, and can see several applications (just not in clothing) where it could make a glorious decorative statement. It is rather a labour of love, and once I’d mastered the stitches it’s rather monotonous to do – I’m not sure I’d want to smock an adult garment, for example!!!

- stick to my ‘buy handmade’ pledge

I’ve not bought much for either the house or for myself this year, beyond some supplies for Magpies and a couple of gifts. Sadly, the boy presents I got were stock-from-toyshop because I wasn’t organised enough on the handmade front to get something in time, and it’s difficult to find *good* handmade toys and games for children over toddler age, particularly boys who aren’t necessarily interested in personal ornamentation. Difficult, but not impossible – will try harder!

- stick to my ‘wardrobe refashion’ pledge

on track with that! Have done some refashions for both me and Bellaboo, more to follow …. in my (copious – hah!) spare time …

- do at least one of Marysa’s lovely courses at the Otter Bindery

It’s still on the agenda, but I’ve not been able to get to one recently …. I’m devastated that this weekend she’s doing Japanese Book-Binding and I can’t make it. No FAir!

Personal - not so much here, though with so much going on in the above two, one of them must be:

- REMEMBER I HAVE A FAMILY

- I will take at least 2 weeks holiday this year

 - oooh, ooooh – I’m on track with this!!! I took  a week off for Feb half-term!!!

- I will try at least 1 new thing with at least 1 of my children every month

- well, kind of, but not in a structured way …. I took Bellaboo to the swimming pool & we both had a fantastic time just splashing about. One to try again. Rumpus & I made chocolate chip banana cake. I think he enjoyed cleaning the bowl out more afterwards …. I need to be more relaxed about both mess and the need to do things exactly right, but I think the important thing is to appreciate the one-to-one time that we otherwise miss out on. That came to light in full effect with Honey last weekend …. for whatever reason (mainly her deep immersion in Harry Potter) we hadn’t had any one-to-one time for ages, and on Sunday I washed & conditioned her hair & gave her a head massage and then sat and brushed and dried it to salon standard over the brush – it was just gorgeous to spend the time with her, and made me realise how overlooked she gets because she is so mature and steady and doesn’t need the constant “supervision” the younger ones get. Doesn’t seem fair she misses out, really. My objective is to try to get Bellaboo to sleep and then spend a bit of time with Honey once the others have gone to sleep, just chatting or sewing or playing scrabble/shut-the-box/uno/whatever. I think she needs it – her teacher says she’s rather lost her way this term, and whilst her symptoms match up with classic pre-teen, I don’t think that means I can (as the school helpfully suggest ) just wait it out.

- I will work through the “How to talk/how to listen” book

shame on me! Haven’t even opened it ….

- go to bed before midnight at least 4 times a week

oh dear. can’t remember the last time I did …. tonight, I will!

- Books/Reading

- I will read at least 20 books this year, and I will (try to) not buy any more books (excl below) until I’ve caught up my backlog

- Crystal Line – Anne McCaffrey

- Tortilla Flat – John Steinbeck

- Perfume – Patrick Suskind

- I will catalogue the existing collection on Library Thing

8/32 shelves listed, 3 cartons not even started. A long way to go ….

- After cataloguing the existing collection, I will rationalise it, and divest duplicates, those I won’t read again and the misfits in the first edition collection

- I will reinvest the proceeds of any divestments in new acquisitions that fit with the first ed/rare collection

- house and garden

- grow more fruit and veg this year than we did last year – stick to the planting and maintenance plan

well, that at least is on track …. garden is starting to come together, and the potting shed is looking like day-of-the-triffids …. need to start planting out and getting further successional sowings done. April is a bit manic on the gardening front, I don’t see that much else is going to happen!

- reduce waste again to 1/2 a bin bag every week

That’s going pretty well, and we got an unexpected bonus as the council have announced a switch to wheely bins plus kitchen caddies for food waste as of September, so that’s all good. I look at our 1/2 to 1 bag per week against next-door’s  usual 5 or so, and wonder if I should offer to help them reduce theirs …..

- take another 5% off our total energy usage for the year

My crusade to minimise electricity usage continues in the face of familial intransigence: tho the children have mostly got the “TURN IT OFF” message, t’o-m is consistently the worst culprit, despite my best efforts to represent money-saving aspects …. sigh. The battle has a way to go, but we’re more-or-less holding steady against last year – which is actually pretty good, considering the addition of laptop & Wii to the household. I’ve signed up for Selvedge’s pledge to turn off the tumble-dryer, tho admittedly it won’t save much because it more or less exists with an ‘in emergency break glass panel’ isolation and only really gets used for desperate & immediate nappy needs, and/or holiday packing.

- declutter and redecorate loft, improve my workspace

Did a massive declutter and reorganise, but little has happened since then. I need to decorate and put some shelving up, so that I can shift the 3 big boxes of books onto shelves, and evacuate the copies of Economist/New Scientist/Resurgence/National Geographical out of their storage boxes & onto shelves where theyre more accessible. Difficult to set aside time to do it, because my task-time in the week is Bellaboo’s sleep time – so drilling & that sort of carry on is not an option. Sigh. Looks like it might be a rainy-weekend’s work later in the year ….

- list and sort out all the little leftover jobs now the refurb is finished

Well, we made a list, and it’s more or less been allocated. It’s just a question of working through it now! Things are starting to happen – the kitchen walls are finally de-tiled, re-plastered and ready to paint. We’ve got, we think, a solution to the missing kitchen-floor-tile situation, subject to t’o-m being able to prise them off the floor somewhere else intact. Curse you, Porcelanosa, for discontinuing our tile!!!!

- and last but not least, get my BMI back down to 22. It’s completely out of control since Bellaboo arrived, and I don’t think I can call it baby fat any more. It’s just fat. It must go.

Well, the least said about this, the better. It’s one step forward and 2 back at the moment. I’ve been trying to get into a routine with it, and have been stymied at every turn by illness and injury – either my own or others!! I am, though, determined not to bail out on this, so once I’m clear of the latest cough (me), swollen knee (me), stomach bug (Rumpus) & clock-change induced insomnia (Bellaboo) I’m getting right back to it. I *so* need a Time Turner. Still can’t find one on ebay!

Serpent of Colchis – edits finished!

I finished the edits for Serpent of Colchis on Friday night last week, and have taken a little time out to reflect on the process and understand what went well and what could be improved for the next time . . . I’ve got a fair bit of editing to get through this year!

Using Holly Lisle’s One-Pass method works an absolute treat for me – I’ve used it before and I’ll carry on using it in future. The critical element is to capture the essence of the story – its themes, major and minor plotlines and the main character arcs, and to use these as a guide for the whole edit process. This works well for me, because I start with the big idea and translate that into a story, so I usually have that information to hand. In this instance, it was a little different, because working with an existing narrative, with myth and legend, sets challenges of its own.

For example, it surprised me how little actual resolution I felt in the 3 separate myths I pulled together (all involving the same group of characters) and how little relation there seemed to be, when the story is taken as a whole, between one and the next. It makes me wonder if, from a historical perspective, these three narratives really did involve the same group, or if time and the convenience of labelling/branding has meant that the same names from one have been applied to others, to depict certain types of character rather than individuals? From a writing perspective, the challenge was less to resolve that question and more to develop a coherent arc across the entire set to unify them and deliver a satisfying, complete story, rather than staying faithful to the original detail.

With the parameters set in such broad terms, the second phase, the manuscript slog, went quite quickly. In retrospect, I think I could have spent more time. Using the conceptual information as a guideline, an astonishing amount of extraneous detail got chopped out of the story, and I started to notice a number of lazy writing habits creeping in – too much description, too much internal narrative outlining either what had just happened, or what was about to happen, and WAY too many adverbs. The crime of too much ‘tell’ and not enough ’show’ is one thing – and relatively easy to shift narrative perspective to make these passages active – i.e. contributing to the development of the plot conflicts/resolutions WHILST developing the characters/interactions, instead of stopping everything to explain it all to the reader. It should all be clear from the story, it shouldn’t need additional explanation (and if it does, then this needs to play out through the action, not as an adjunct to it).

I’ve never really understood the big deal with adverbs until this novel. But here, where I’m working with a slapdash Nanowrimo draft, the poisonous nature of the little devils has become apparent to me. It’s lazy, for one thing – write ’speak softly’ – what does that mean? A whisper, a murmur, a low voiced mutter, a mumble? Each one of those, and I could probably come up with a lot more, means the same as ’speak softly’, but each is much more precise in meaning and conveys a specific atmosphere. Write ’speak softly’ and I need to qualify it with an explanation that detracts from the story, because it diverts the reader’s awareness from ‘the story’ to ‘the author’ sitting at his/her elbow muttering. Distracting, and annoying. AND, where adverbs lurk, so too creep in all those passive verbs, the lazy was/had/were axis of evil – immediate slowers-down of action and distancers, to break up the story and take away its dynamism.  These are bad habits I need to break. It will be difficult to do so, because the writing and editing parts of my brain are distinct, and when I’m throwing words at a first draft, I don’t know that I want to be worrying about words to that extent. BUT, if I can train myself out of it, then I win myself a huge saving at the edit stage. I’ll be giving it a try in my next few expeditions into short stories . . .

The concept gave me a firm foundation on which to judge what to keep, what to throw, and what needed to change, and I am happy that the changes I have made have ironed out a stack of inconsistencies, and made the story overall much tighter, much cleaner, and hopefully more satisfying from a reader perspective. I’ll have to wait for the comments from its first readers before I know how far I’ve succeeded on that front. There are a number of areas I’m still a little anxious about, purely because I pushed myself way out of my comfort zone with this one so I’m feeling exposed in all sorts of areas.

Some of the science parts I know are shaky, because science was never my subject – to me, the dividing line between science and magic has always been pretty slim, and some of it is as much about faith as any belief in a deity or other supernatural being . . . but as this is soft SF rather than hard, I’m hoping that it’s credible enough for the genre and this story. Neither of the main characters are conventionally heroic, so I’m concerned whether or not they will generate sufficient interest so that the chaos and destruction that surrounds them holds the reader rather than turns him/her off, and I also hope that the gradual reduction of them as characters from start to end works as a coherent narrative – it almost feels like a reversal of the normal order of things when compared to a conventional space opera. And when it gets down to brass tacks, I’m just not sure about the sex scenes. I knew when I started that these would have to be pretty full-on, because the nature of the erotic, obsessive relationship between the two main characters is what drives the story, so to try to draw a veil or softsoap it somehow was just never an option . . . and in the edits I had a constant fight between ‘me’ who wanted to tone it right down (& fade it out if possible!) and ‘the story’ who dictated that it had to be full throttle. I hope that I’ve come out in the right place, but my fingers still twitch every time I cross it. Lord knows, I wouldn’t want either my mother OR my daughter to read ‘em

Where I think I made a mistake in the manuscript slog was a couple of places where I just circled passages and noted ‘needs tightening up’ or ’shift perspective’ or similar comments, without actually working through the detail. In those instances, when it came to the write-up, it took me too far out of ‘typing’ mode back into ‘thinking’ mode, and I feel now that I will have to revist some of those flying changes to make sure that I haven’t ripped continuity, or slipped back into bad-habity-writing. In future edits, I’ll put a full suite of notes into the manuscript slog, and then, subject to actually being able to read my own handwriting, the write-up face should be much quicker and smoother.

The process from end-to-end took 4 weeks, in which actual working time amounted to some 19 days once I took out time for admin and half-term holidays and the round of illnesses. Holly reckons on a 2-week turnaround, and I can see that it would be possible given more available time (or a cleaner MS to start with), and I think that will be my ultimate target, however, what I am learning is that real life doesn’t like plans, and will disrupt them, so I need to factor in more slippage in all my planning.  On the one hand, this is disappointing, because it means I can see the end of this phase of editing and reworking of back-catalogue extending further out than it does currently – even though I knew I was setting myself aggressive targets from the get-go. On the other hand, though, I’d rather work at a realistic pace and put my best work into what I am doing, rather than rushing slapdash through it just for the sake of ticking off a progress chart to say it’s done (and then having to revisit it again in such painful detail after either crit-rounds or, worse, a round of rejections).

On the whole, though, I think that the process worked well, and I’m pleased with the story I’ve been left with.

Serpent of Colchis – edit update

I finally knuckled down, after much skirting around the edges, and got to work on the big edit.

And, as with all such things, it’s not as painful as I thought it would be. Also, and this makes me feel much, much better, the novel itself is not as bad a mess as I remembered it being.

I’m using Holly Lisle’s one-pass method, it’s one that works really well for me (once you get over the tedium of printing off 350-odd pages on a teensy inkjet) as it clearly sets the story’s parameters & themes up front, before you start editing. Having firmly nailed colours to the mast, it makes for a powerful tool in terms of defining what stays and what goes, what needs strengthening and what needs dialling back.

I’m into the manuscript slog, and I’m working approx 4 chapters a session – doesn’t sound much, but we’re talking really 8 days to whack through and annotate and identify changes. I’m not sure I’ll hit target of completion by end of Feb as I still have to type up the changes once I’ve got it all noted, but I don’t think it’s totally unfeasible at this stage.

So.

13 chapters in, and I have a number of issues I need to address:

1) The intensity of Dema & Jace’s relationship is a major driver for the decisions and actions they take, so I MUST bring across the all-encompassing, intense, obsessional aspects of the relationship – emotional and physical – for this to be convincing. However, I do not want to end up confining myself to the adult, erotic markets with this novel, so I need to find a way to bring this across without being pornographically explicit in some of the scenes.  I shall be revisiting Jaci Burton’s ‘Left Behind and Loving It’ workshop sessions on “The anatomy of Sex Scenes” to pick up some pointers (well, you might as well get it from the writer that leaves you breathless and little bit hot under the collar, eh )

2) Even given point 1, I have created a main character (Dema) who is deliberately emotionally cold, guarded and morally ambiguous. I am significantly worried that this will disengage readers, because they won’t like her enough to want her to ‘win’ (even if ‘winning’ is a pretty destructive event, when it comes down to it). What can I do to create more connection with her? An overriding moral imperative that trumps all other considerations? Giving her the opportunity to crack a little and show some vulnerability? I guess both of those are options. I think I might need to spend a little time on some character interviews to really get to the bottom of her, to find her voice fully, and if I can do that, then maybe, just maybe, I can get the reader close enough to her that she will be as fascinating to them as she is to me. Sigh. That’s looking like hard work, right now.

3). There’s an element of heist involved in the action in this Act I. Because Dema is such a high-level insider on the job, I’m concerned that there is insufficient doubt about the success of the venture to pull enough tension into those chapters. I need to look for other sources of tension, or for areas where I can double-cross the insider angle, because I’m not sure (even with a 4-player game on) the uncertainty on the ‘who-can-I-trust’ factor is enough to carry it. I need to track down a good resource on the suspense genre, and how the cross & double-cross scenarios get played out. I’ve been considering whether my pov options are correct, and I think I’m making the right choices each time in picking the most ignorant player in any one scene to focus on, but it’s not enough. I need to rethink that strategy, or work out how I can get it tighter. I don’t think shifting either all or part of this into first person is an option. Likewise, I don’t think I could sustain 3rd person present tense over a whole novel, and I think it would be too demanding/exhausting to read. These techniques are not, I feel, the answer and will not disguise the fundamental flaws driving such ideas. I need to face it head on, and work out where the conflicts are – just manufacturing stuff to up the movement (as opposed to action) will not improve this story.

Hey well. It’s half-term as of tomorrow and we’re away for almost a week. I’ve promised t’o-m no writing & no laptop for the week . . . tho I suspect I’ll renege on the laptop front, and that my editing notebook might just “fall” into the packing . . . . asking me not to write is like asking me not to breathe.

Restless mind

Wherever the mind wanders,
restless and diffuse in its
search for satisfaction without,
lead it within;
train it to rest in the Self.
Abiding joy comes to those
who still the mind…
they become one with God.

- The Bhagavad Gita

Here I am, about to delve into “the manuscript slog” on Serpent of Colchis -  a little later than I planned to start, but there we have it – and I find myself struggling to concentrate, my mind sliding away from the task in hand, distracted by external factors – music, tv (I never watch tv!), sewing, even tidying up, suddenly seem much more attractive, and of course there’s the endless fascination of Twitter and Forward Motion to keep me from actually starting the work.

To paraphrase “the cat in the hat” – this mess is so big and so deep and so tall I can not sort it out, there is no way at all! Sadly, there is no cat to come in and do a magic trick or two to sort this out, there is only me myself & I, and I am the one who has to wade through this lot.

So. I need to still my mind, switch off from all the internal and external distractions and allow myself to sink into this book and let my muse guide me through it (in the absence of God). I have the high level understanding of what and who it is about, and I know what I need to do to take the sodden lump that it is now and remould it into the book I want it to be. There is just the awful realisation that there is a long way to go and a lot to do to get there. Perhaps I am workshy? I don’t think so, it’s just a rather daunting task ahead, HOWEVER, this is the first of the big milestones on my task list for the year, and I don’t want to welch out before I’ve even started. If I fail on this, then I’ll struggle with everything else. I shall bring my two guiding words into mind – COMPLETE and ENJOY. I need to complete this novel because I enjoyed writing it in the first place, and I want to enjoy the finished article. *THAT* is motivation enough.

I have one big change to kick off with. I need to introduce a character who features in part III here and now, and by doing so I can externalise some of the conflicts in the opening chapter to a greater degree – it also gives me an opening to bring the various storylines to a complete & coherent close – *this* novel is a standalone, and there will be no sequel.

And on that optimistic bombshell, I’d best get to work . . . wish me luck?

A winter-storm of discontent

The last week has, in any terms, been pretty crappy and I’ve ended up getting totally derailed in so many ways and on so many different fronts it has been a real act of bravery to remind myself what it is that I’m doing and WHY it is that I’m doing it.

Last Monday, I started a pain in the junction between my neck and shoulder. Initially, I thought I’d slept on it  funny, but as the day went on it got progressively worse, so that by the time I’d got the kids off to bed I was a whining, snivelly shell of a woman, stinking of self-pity and wearing my misery like a leper’s bell. Paracetamol and wheatpacks just didn’t cut it in the pain-relieving stakes, and my general sense of wellbeing was further eroded by the news that some evil bastard had nicked my name, address and credit card details and was quite happily ordering stuff for themselves and billing it to me. So, on top of all the pain, I had all the stress of contacting the company concerned and telling them to cut off this putative Ellsea, cancelling my card and all the associated CIFAS aggravation. I am sure it must have been online somewhere that it happened, but having virus checked the laptop and computers here AND checked back through my transaction histories the last couple of months, I’m totally stymied, which is a real worry, because now I don’t know which of my regular purchases I can’t trust.  I hate stuff like that, people taking advantage and using me to get what they want. It’s a real invasion of privacy. I’ve had to work for what I’ve got, why the bloody hell can’t they? Scum.

On Tuesday, the pain was much, much worse. I couldn’t turn my head or move my neck without enduring total agony, and I had arranged to drive to London (I know, total lunacy) to see my sister and brand-new nephew, delivering several bags of baby clothes and other gubbins in the process. I should have known the fates were against me when I hit a traffic jam on the way out of the village where the children go to school and sat there for 30 minutes making little-to-no progress. When we finally got moving, I bless the satnav makers who provide me with such goodness as trafficmaster and detour planning, because it took me backroads and put me on the A3 literally 100yards ahead of the accident that was causing a tailback as far as the junction I usually would get on at. Euphoria shortlived, because of course as soon as you get past Roehampton, you’re effectively into London and driving becomes a teeth-grinding test of nerve and endurance. I’m a pretty relaxed driver, I like to go fast when it’s safe, but I’m not competitive and I like to be courteous. So, of course, I’m like a lamb to the slaughter in London traffic. I have *never* been so scared in my entire life. The levels of stress, aggression and risk-taking associated with driving in London, the lack of space, the snarl-ups, the lack of proper signalling, road positioning and other standards that ensure a smooth and safe journey are so enormous that I honestly think that driving in London ought to be a certifiable action. I mean, you’d have to be mad to do it on a regular basis, or else it is something that would make you insane? And then there’s the parking. Now, I know that it’s a cliche, and it’s been said so many times before, that the parking permit and traffic warden (except they are now called Civil Enforcement Officers) system is purely and simply a revenue generating exercise for councils, but in cliche there is often truth, and in truth there is always mileage. So. I acquire my one day visitor parking permit. I scratch out the necesary boxes, careful to scrape all and only the appropriate ones. I fill in my reg nr etc, check I’m parked in a bay relevant to the permit, check that I’ve displayed the thing in the appropriate place. As I’m getting Bellaboo out of the car, one of these CEO’s watches me, I see him looking at the permit, I ask him if it’s OK. He’s noncommittal (perhaps they are only allowed to talk if they are issuing a ticket?), so I take this to mean that there is not a problem – otherwise he would have told me, right? (yeah, right). And off I go to visit my sister and the delightful baby, who is very cute and still at that all-curled-up newborn stage (but man, when he’s hungry, he knows what he wants!!) Bellaboo was very sweet with him & kept kissing him on the head and was generally intrigued, and since we came back has been carrying around Honey’s little Baby Bjorn and kissing it a lot and pronouncing ‘babby’ very proudly. Ahhhhhhh. ANYWAYS. We get back to the car after a lovely, lovely visit and lo and behold: A BLOODY PARKING TICKET. Apparently, my permit was invalid. In what way? I have no idea. Now I have a couple of choices. I can appeal. Who knows how long that will take, which puts me in a  quandary regarding the fine. If I pay within 30 days, it’s £40, but it doubles to £80 if I take longer. If I appeal and lose and it takes longer than 30 days, I have to pay £80. Which makes it tempting to sod it and just pay the fine, which I guess is what they are counting on. I don’t want to pay it, and I don’t think I should pay it, but I’m not sure I have the energy to tackle any further bureaucracy at the moment, because on Wednesday . . .

I received my Child Tax Credit award notice. And I immediately notice that I have acquired two children under the age of 1. Now, I know I don’t have twins, and that’s the only way it ought to be physically possible (though I guess mathematically it could be done, it’s just not something I want to contemplate). So, I have to phone the tax office to correct the erroneous dates of birth. Great. I just *love* hanging about on phone lines waiting to talk to someone. I honestly have nothing better to do with my time. (NOT!). I phone up, and start to jump through the hoops of security questions. My bank is quite happy with 2 questions, as are most other on & off line service providers. Not so the Inland Revenue, who want to know, it seems, my last recorded weight, height and hair colour before they will talk to me. Tellingly, the one piece of information I have to provide is the number and dates-of-birth of my children. I tell her, and explain very nicely that this may not coincide with their records, because they have incorrect information on their systems for those same dates of birth (this information is not shown on the form they have sent me, so I don’t know what they have input). The woman on the phone apologises and tells me that she is now not allowed to talk to me because I can’t correctly answer the security questions. I point out, very politely, that I have answered 5 other security questions correctly, and that I can’t give her the information she wants because I don’t know what her co-worker input erroneously into the system. Again, she apologises and says she can’t talk to me any further. I ask to speak to a supervisor, but am told that I will get the same response. I ask if I can write, and am told that they only accept phone correspondence and will disregard a letter. So I ask her how I am meant to solve this problem, and she again apologises and tells me that she is not allowed to help me. If it wasn’t for the concern that at some point in the future I am doubtless going to get shafted by the IR for providing false information on this subject, I’d think it was the most hilarious farce. Coming on the back of everything else, it is just annoying and bloody typical of the faceless bureaucratic bullshit that is rife in this country. Personal responsibility and accountability and autonomy dissipates in the face of enormous inflexible computer systems. In my mind, this has just strengthened my internal conviction that we should give the database state a huge heave-ho. Imagine if that had been the entirety of my personal records, and I was completely unable to access them? Coming on top of having my identity hacked (I refuse the word ‘victim’, I don’t like it. I will not be made into a passive receptacle of someone else’s vitriol), this is particularly worrying.

Actually, the rest of the week started to pick up, insofar as no fresh annoyances crawled out of the woodwork to plague me. The pain in my neck and back, however, showed little sign of letting up and turned me into the most dreadful whiny creature, and it was so bad I couldn’t write and couldn’t exercise, so all those goals started to slip, and I even struggled with sewing because looking down hurt. So, with everything slipping away, I fell into the awful vicious circle of pain-stress-misery-comfortbiscuiteat-guilt-stress-pain-misery-comfortbiscuiteat-guilt-misery-stress-pain-comfortbiscuiteat-guilt- (you get the picture) and it crippled me far, far worse than the actual pain did. I was trapped in this cycle and just drowning (or perhaps wallowing?) in this sea of awfulness. It made me realise just how quickly and how easily I could slip away from the path I wanted to be, when I had felt so up and good and empowered, into this black void of depression – and I could feel it sitting there, waiting to jump on me.

I think I got lucky this time. Some timely advice from twitterific friends (thanks @Sally & @TrevorMendham) got me onto icepacks and voltarol pain relief gel and reducing the pain helped me get focus back. I’m still clinging on by my fingertips a little, but in the last couple of days I have caught up (finally) on my How to Think Sideways coursework, AND finished a short story that ended up breaking the 20k barrier (and my o my is that going to need some major editing!) AND finished a couple of refashions – a black wrap with embroidered purple border to go around Bellaboo and I when she’s in the sling and a cute little tunic top for Bellaboo – AND I saw an advert for “power pramming” which looks like it could be good fun AND good exercise, AND I did a major declutter of our loft, AND read Anne McCaffrey’s Crystal Line (and enjoyed it, too).

So, despite the potential for derailment, I did manage to get a lot done in the week so I feel like it hasn’t been wasted. I guess the BIG learning points for me are:

1) Shit happens, deal with it and move on

2) Plans are not set in stone, I need to be flexible and change things around as and when needed

3) I should acknowledge and value what I have done, instead of dwelling on what I have not done

4) As long as I keep my key words – COMPLETE and ENJOY – as my guiding lights, I’ll stay on track

Point 3 is a huge step for me. I am always far too quick to step up and give myself a kicking over the things I have not done. Based on looking over the list of what I *did* do (and that leaves out all the normal, house-and-family-daily-maintenance activity I handle), I can’t even begin to describe last week as a waste of time or opportunity. I used my time in a slightly different way to how I had planned it. That doesn’t make it (or me) a failure.

I feel lucky. This is the second set of events that could have set me off into a massive downward spiral, but I’ve managed to pull myself. I know I need to get more on top of my personal health and fitness – not exercising has had a big negative impact on me, and I know I neglect myself, and particularly that my diet suffers horribly, when I’m miserable. *That* is something I will need to get to the bottom of, but I’m holding it off for now. I don’t think I’m ready to go there just yet. I don’t think I’m going to like what I have to deal with. And yes, that is a head-in-the-sand approach, but it feels right for now. (Terminally chicken? Damn straight).

The big task for this month is the Serpent of Colchis edit. And guess what? Serendipitiously, over at ForwardMotion, there’s an edit dare. I am *so* in that. I have a little crit-and-submit catchup to do, but I’m pretty much back on track. It’s looking possible.

Got the fear . . .

I’ve been working my way through Holly Lisle’s How To Think Sideways course, and it is an absolutely cracker. Holly is a legend for doing this, and I’m learning so much, it’s absolutely blowing me away. More’s to the point, it doesn’t feel like work.

Until yesterday, when it got to the point where I had to do some actual writing. Just one scene, but new writing. Not editing, not planning, not character sketches. Writing.

I immediately segued out of the ‘Sere’ novel, because I don’t want to get involved with that just yet, I’m saving it for Nano lunacy (although it is all plotted out and pretty much good to go now, for a seat-of-the-pants writer like me, any way). So I switched instead to a short story I’ve been incubating for a while . . . but of course, I couldn’t just start in on that without using “the technique”. So, I went back a couple of lessons, went through it all again – enormously pleased that it felt pretty intuitive and came back to hand quite easily – until I reached a point this evening when that story, too, is very neatly plotted out and ready to go.

And that’s when I realised I’d got the fear.

I couldn’t actually make myself open up Roughdraft and start typing. Even if it was only an experiment, even if it’s only a first draft bash through to see what shape it will take. I just couldn’t do it.

Horrific! I must write. I need to write, but I’m too scared to put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard) ~ why? Why now, when I’m better equipped than ever before to produce something of high quality? Why now, when in the past I’ve happily just mainlined words? Why now, when I’ve been able to set my “self” aside and just connect absolutely with the story and stream it direct from subconscious to page?

It’s strange, but I found myself thinking of Bellaboo today in her baby-gymnastics class. Obviously, they’re not doing handsprings or vaults or the like, but they are getting familiar with the equipment, and it does wonders for their confidence. Today, Bellaboo went on the beam for the first time. They put a wedge over it, which doubles it’s width, but it’s full height. She went up quite happily with me holding her waist, and took a few steps. And then she froze. I think she realised that a) she was higher up than mummy and b) it really wasn’t very wide. She stood there a while, holding onto my hands, and I thought she was going to ask to come down . . . but she didn’t, and with a little encouragement she walked all the way to the end and I jumped her down onto the mat. She was so pleased with herself, I swear she grew a couple of inches right there.

I think that’s where I am right now. I’ve taken a good few steps along the beam, and I’ve suddenly realised how high up it is, how far it is to the end, and that there’s not much room for manoevre if I lose my balance.

So, I have the options:

1. give up and get down
2. stay here frozen
3. put the next foot forward regardless and just do it anyway

I believe option 3 is the one I want. So, working on the old adage - ”Bring the body, and the mind will follow” – tomorrow I will put the timer on for 10 minutes and just do it.

Proper preparation

I’ve cleared the decks, and got back to work on Holly Lisle’s ‘How To Think Sideways’ course again this evening – I’m about 3 lessons behind, so I need to get caught up and back on track.

It is very peculiar. I have the ‘Sere’ project as my test-project for the course, and whilst I’m getting progressively more and more excited about writing the story, my confidence in my ability to actually deliver it is diminishing.

I think a huge part of that reason is the amount of planning and preparation that’s going in up front on it. I totally understand why it needs to be done, and some of the technical aspects and angles and elements that have been brought in have been absolutely revelatory. But I’ve always been a basic seat-of-my-pants writer, plunging into a novel with minimal outlining and pre-planning, and then just bashed the words out until I reach the end, so all this thinking and planning up front is very alien.

I’m going to stick with it. I think I can see that there will be benefits at the end – not least of which is much less work in the edits and reworks necessary. The major downside of my seat-of-the-pants approach is that every novel I’ve written needs rewriting afterwards to put all the plot twists and holes and  diversions into their rightful place (often in the cut file) to get somewhere approaching coherent.

But that doesn’t stop me having a little panic as I look at the neat little pile of pristine index cards (well, OK, so they’re home-made slips out the recycling box, because I couldn’t make myself be that profligate with new paper) waiting for me to start outlining . . . . do I really have to do all that?!?!!?!?!?!? Looks like hard work to me, but then I guess it’ll pay off when it comes to writing, and I don’t have to sit staring into space, wondering where the heck the next line is coming from. (I surely hope so).

In the meantime, I have in the back of my mind the knowledge that I need to start work on editing ‘Serpent’, and I’m wondering if this technique might work there, because I’m more or less certain that I’ve got a couple of massive holes somewhere, and I know as well I’m going to have to do some major reworks on the more – ahem – intimate scenes between the two main characters, because at the moment that stuff would land it in the adult section as ‘erotica’. My mother would be horrified. Still, I take it as a good sign that I’m actually looking forward to getting stuck into it, and that I feel excited about attacking a big writing project again.

I haven’t felt that way for a while, which is why I’ve been tinkering around the edges of my back catalogue of short stories for the last six months. Now, I feel like I’m in the right mindset and that I’ve laid in the proper groundwork, and also, importantly, that I’ve changed, matured and improved as a writer as a result of the work I’ve done on that back catalogue and with the focus on learning new methods and looking at my work (and others) with a sharply critical eye. I just hope that translates into a good performance, come the hour.

Rejections & submissions update

A little flurry in the new year.

Just because I needed cheering up, In Skin rejected by Interzone (damn, really thought it had a chance there), and Shadows rejected by Pedestal.

Onwards!

New round of submissions:

- In Skin submitted to Fantasy & Science Fiction magazine

- Another Today submitted to MsLexia

- Shadows submitted to Tin House

Hope springs eternal, and all that. Funny how it all starts to stack up – when I got the form reject from Pedestal, I had no idea what story I had there! Thank goodness for the Duotrope/spreadsheet combo, so easily tracked down. I’m surprised how quickly things are starting to build up – admittedly with only one sale to show for it, but I’ve made 30 submissions since I started the programme back in September, which is averaging over 1 every 2 weeks, but it’s not all new inventory – I’ve only got a stock of 9 stories on the rounds at the moment. I’ve got plans to up the ante on that . . . 

. . . but I must finish this article on Feminism and SF tonight, and I must get caught up on my Think Sideways course work.

Best get cracking, then!

Progress report

Ah, well. In the flush of the first week, it’s of course been all positive!

I haven’t really got cracking on the writing/editing front yet, as I’ve got a little bit of  a backlog to catch up on, but I’m into the routine of writing a piece for submission every other week, which has meant that this weekend has been set aside for working on the new article idea – influence of feminism on spec fiction, an area of endless fascination, and as much because I was interesting in having a structured explore of the subject than anything else. Interesting how the roots are entwined between the genre and the movement, and what I think is fascinating is that the genre, despite (largely false) stereotypes & perceptions, is actually more open to a feminist agenda than mainstream fiction, which tends to largely reinforce the anti-intellectual perception of woman as a subservient doll to men . . . .  at the risk of sounding rather strident, which I’m not. But there you go – working on this article has been useful in forcing me to be a little more coherent about my own views on the subject, and although I wouldn’t define myself as a feminist by any stretch of the imagination (neither in women’s lib terms nor in modern-post-modern-feminist terms) I guess I do, ultimately, share a lot of common ground with the movement.

In other areas – I’ve been working on a sample patchwork which is done, I’ve bordered it with strips off an old linen napkin that was falling apart (and the remnants have triggered a further idea), and now I’m using it as a test bed for different types of embellishment experiments. It’s huge fun, though I’ll have to set it aside as I need to get to work on a couple of refashioning commissions.

On the personal front, I’ve lost a whole pound . . . wheeeeee . . . . though it’s probably gone back on as – normally activities apart – I’ve not done any proper exercise since Tuesday. Not sure how I’m going to squeeze that into my routine, given that we’re back into the full routine as of tomorrow. We’ll see . . . 

We were out in the garden today, so nice to get a bit of fresh air and sunshine, though the afternoon turned seriously cold again. The leaves are pretty much raked up, though I’ve still left behind some of the dead growth because I think, for example, the umbelliferous dead heads of the fennel and its cousins look so pretty in the frost . . . 

Apart from that, not much done apart from playing with children this weekend. I’ve caught up my current backlog of pictures and images and got them all framed and up on the walls, which has reduced the stash of salvaged frames to a single box. So that’s good. I’ve got the calendars up and running for the year, and my mother-inb-law gave me a fantastic organiser – I don’t use it so much for the diary function, but it has a list-space on each date which seems to be exactly how much I can get done in a day, so it’s become my to-do list! Working a treat so far, tho we’ll see how it goes next week when the pace is upped again.

It’s good to feel so positive at this time of year, to have so much to look forward to. I’m still tremendously excited about the year ahead, and a week into the year I’m on top of the plan and it’s feeling achievable. A key test will be when I start to hit the ‘Serpent’ edits in a week or so (once I’ve caught up on my ‘Think Sideways’ backlog ) – if I can keep on the pace with that, then I know the schedule’s do-able.

Bring it on!

beware, hubris

So, after finishing up my planning last night, and confidently declaring my goals for this year, my list of things I’d like to get done, the universe reminded me that I was unlikely to get a plain go at it, and that I needed to expect the odd iceberg.

I managed to acheive 1 objective by getting to bed before midnight (11:59 counts. It does). And then I couldn’t sleep. A conspiracy of caffeine-laden dark chocolate, the freezing-cold-ness of the night (I’m *so* having an extra blanket tonight) AND the *ding* lightbulb of realisation of exactly how I’m going to make over that slightly faded and worn pale pink knitted turtle-neck tank-top managed to keep me ticking until at least 1:20, at which point I forced myself to do some serious yoga-breathing and eventually fell asleep.

Only to be awoken at 4 am by Bellaboo, in the midst of a teething crisis involving an urgent requirement for a nappy change, a pyjama change, nappy salve and calpol. All of which woke Rumpus, whose demands to be accomodated instantly in the parental bed were rudely declined . . . which in turn triggered a crisis of epic proportions.

Needless to say, I was a little frazzled (but rather proud of my goddess-like calm and compassion in the face of infantile intransigence and upset) by the time it was all resolved. HARDLY what one would deem ideal preparation for the first day back at school.

Then, to add insult to injury, when the alarm shouted me awake at 6:30 am, I looked out to discover that the weather had had the gall to SNOW in the night. This made the routine twice as difficult as it needed to be, since requirements for getting dressed, gathering necessary equipment like school bags and PE kits, and eating breakfast were constantly undercut by demands to go in the garden and build snowmen, make snow angels and have a snowball fight. Does anyone ever have the heart to explain to children that you need considerably more than 1 cm of snow to fulfill*those* sorts of projects?

Finally, we set off, but not before I have called rumpus (amongst other things) a retard for his complete inability to put his shoes on the correct feet when asked to do so and turned into what can only be called a shrieking banshee. I don’t care how little sleep, it’s not a good look on anyone, and I’m sure the neighbours must think I’m a total harpy now.

Halfway down the road, an accident has closed it (gah! when will people in this country realise that unless you have studded tires or chains on, your brakes DON’T WORK on snowy, icy roads?) and the fire brigade won’t let us walk past the accident because it might upset the children. Which is fair enough, and I understand this, but now we have to walk home and get in the car, because the only other way to school is what is normally a 15 minute drive. Not today. Oh no. Today, it takes 30 minutes, and we are late for school, and it takes me a further 45 minutes to get home. And we only had 1 cm of snow. It is absolutely RIDICULOUS how entirely unable to cope with any sort of adverse weather conditions we are. It makes me wonder how on earth humans have managed to survive as long as they have. Maybe there is a protecting deity, after all.

I decide against taking  Bellaboo to her baby gymnastics class (sounds far more impressive than it actually is ) and opt for a quiet morning hibernating . . . bad choice, it turns out, because within 30 minutes she’s racing her trike around the living room/playroom circuit. Which is fine. It becomes totally not fine, however, when she decides to ram the hearthstone with the trike. Rather predictably (if you’re an adult, I suppose) an inch-high slab of polished slate stops the trike in its tracks, but the laws of physics being what they are, Bellaboo continues her onward trajectory. SPLAT! Face first onto the fireplace. Initially, I thought the trike handles must have cut into her little belly, but as she draws in the almighty breath for the scream that is coming (BREATHE!) I realise that she has a very nasty gash on her forehead, where she’s connected with the protruding metal handle that controls airflow into the stove.

BLOOD! Everywhere, screaming baby, I’m trying to apply clean dishcloths and ice to the wound but she’s not having it, and we’re only going one place – Accident and Emergency.

I drive like a (very careful) lunatic to the hospital, conscious that on icy roads I don’t want to be messing about with corners and trees and the like, abandon the car and rush like a demented person into A&E clutching a howling and bloodstained baby. Needless to say, we are seen instantly – nurses and doctors appear as if by magic (never before have I seen that – previous emergency visits have always been anxiety-riddled tedium with brief bursts of activity punctuated by long hours of sitting around waiting for our turn) – and Bellaboo is examined (she doesn’t like it, very forcefully and at the top of her voice) , cleaned up and put under observation.

For 4 hours.

For the first couple, she does a passable impresion of a dying swan. By the end, she’s running around and playing with the toys and chatting to the nurses and other children in the waiting area as if nothing’s happened.

Eventually, with a glued and butterfly-stitched wound, we are sent home – with a mere 30 minutes before we need to go and collect the others from school. This is not how my day was supposed to go.

But once everyone came home from school, an air of calm descended on the place. Honey and Rumpus were tired after their first day back (Rumpus particularly so after last night’s excursions and alarums), so they watched Nim’s Island on DVD, Bellaboo played with her shape-sorter, and I got the remainder of my patches backed and pinned ready for sewing. It’s just a  sample piece, a mini-experiment with the wild geese pattern I’ve not tried before, and combining different patchwork patterns into the same piece (so the finished piece will be no more than A4 size), but it’s starting to come together now . . .

So, in those terms, I am where I want to be (more or less) with that particular project. I had a new batch of hair clips/barrettes and brooch pins arrive today as well, so of course I’m itching to start on those – it’s taking all my self-discipline to hold off until I’ve finished this little patchwork panel.

Then, this evening, I launched into my writing session, and managed to hit a fine vein of form, and have accomplished what I diarised as two days work in less than a single session.

So, I’m feeling very high and very pleased with myself, but I am taking today’s events as a caution. However, I think it is a good test of my planning that despite the adverse conditions, I still achieved what I wanted to do with time to spare . . . but I’m taking the warning that I shouldn’t be complacent about this.

I know I’ve set myself some pretty agressive targets this year, and today I was lucky that I was still buzzing with possibility and had the energy from somewhere and motivation and desire to hack away. I need to remember today, and make sure I can call up that feeling any time, and under any conditions, because I suspect that life has a way of throwing days like today at you more often than is entirely welcome.

And on that bombshell, I’m going to bed, no doubt to lie awake thinking what I can do with my extra writing session (actually, I already know – I’ve got the germ of an idea for a non-fiction article . . . . . . . . . )

(did I mention that non-fiction articles and short stories are interchangeable in the overall scheme?)